Three Reasons to Find Your Resilience Support Team

This post was originally written in December 2021 and revised on December 3, 2024

This time of the year is for traditions, celebrations, and community. It’s also a time for rest, darkness, and solitude. In some ways, this time of the year is a paradox for me. How can I be both happy and sad at the same time? Can I be in the dark area of my soul and then see the light?

As I have aged, I have felt this paradox more strongly than ever. I see both sides of the story. I want to be with family and friends, yet sometimes I just want to sit on my bed by myself. The paradox is confusing. Life isn’t as cut and dried as we sometimes think it needs to be.

I want you to know that if you feel the season’s push and pull, that is perfect. You are feeling aware and know that most people’s lives are not like the family photo on the Facebook page. 

In the past, I have worked with a small school where I was lucky enough to support staff professional development working on resilience skills. The resource we use is a book written by Elena Aguilar, Onward Cultivating Emotional Resilience in Educators. It is an excellent resource; I used it for three years in a Professional Learning Community with the staff members. 

In 2020, I was part of a statewide Social and Emotional Learning cohort that used Onward as a resource for administrators and leadership. This was at the height of the pandemic, and we found Onward to be an extremely useful resource for us. The leadership team at the small school I served wanted to bring this resource to their staff and community.

The first cohort of staff and community members was created in June 2021. We were a small group reading and discussing several chapters in the book over a twelve-month span. There are 12 chapters, one for each month, each with a different skill to grow within ourselves. At the same time, I also joined an online book club the author and her team facilitated. In both groups, we met each month to read and discuss chapters.

The administration and staff received the focus on resilience so well that I was able to facilitate two more Professional Learning Community cohorts for the school I served with teaching and support staff. In all, I have read Onward at least three times, and each time, I have found value in the chapters, but mainly in the discussion with others.

There were three needs that I saw being addressed in all the groups:

  1. The need for community and support. We need to know that we are doing this together. Multiple emotions come up throughout the day, at work and home. Knowing we are not alone in that feeling makes it okay. Giving voice to what you feel is a path to self-awareness and self-management.
  1. Learning skills that can be used to build our own resilience. Onward and many other resources are full of skills to develop our resilience. Knowing and implementing those skills can be a way for adults in the school or organization to regulate their nervous system (calm brain and body). There are many ways to regulate, and you can pick and choose what will work for you.
  1. Stress relief is huge and needed! One of the ways the groups relieve stress for me is through authentic connection. At the beginning of our sessions, we have a set of norms. We talk about having confidentiality within the group. This norm helps to give people a safe space to be authentic and vulnerable. Growth and learning can happen when we feel safe in a relationship. 

“Even when I know better, I don’t always do better without constant practice and support.”

We go for the immediate rewards of the short sprint when we really need the consistency of the long haul. Building resilience, emotional intelligence, and ways to relieve stress, plus doing it with the support of a community, is the life preserver that we all need. I hope you find that group of compassionate adults who can support you in 2025. 

Wishing you all the best in 2025!!

Understanding N.E.A.R. Science: How Trauma and Toxic Stress Affects You and Your Team

The county fair is a big highlight of the summer each year. When my children were young, we would attend the fair every day. Being involved in 4-H, sports, and community activities led to much work at the various food stands and booths.

At the county fair, there were a variety of carnival rides. My children looked forward to going on all the different carnival rides, “The Bullet,” “Tilt-a-Whirl,” and “Rocket” were some that I can remember. I would walk through the crowded pathways with my children in tow, the loud music of the carnival rides blasting throughout the area. I stood back and watched which rides each of them chose. My son loved the fast rides that made his stomach go up and down. My other son would favor bumper cars and Ferris wheels. As I stood by “Rocket,” waiting for my son, I would watch other children come off, saying,” Never again” or “Let’s do it again!”

Trauma and its effects on the brain are similar to the response to a carnival ride. We all have traumatic or high-stress experiences in life. Some people come through trauma and stressful times with a response of resilience and growth. Others experience a challenging event and are stuck in the struggle, unable to move beyond it. It can be the same traumatic or high-stress event; however, they have very different reactions.

The human brain, with its complexity, is a fascinating subject to learn about. Understanding how we react to events, our world, and others is a journey of discovery. Past trauma and toxic stress can change how each of us responds to those experiences on our journey of discovery.

Researcher Gabor Mate’ explains that trauma is not the event; it’s what happens inside our body as a result of the event.

As an organization strives to become Trauma-Informed and Resilient, understanding toxic stress and trauma’s effects is a crucial first step. In my previous blog post, I introduced N.E.A.R. Science as a key support for creating a Trauma-Informed, Resilient Workplace. A deep understanding of the N.E.A.R. Science model, Neurobiology, Epigenetics, Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs), and Resilience provides a practical understanding of how trauma and toxic stress can impact you and your staff. 

Let’s break down the N.E.A.R. Science model to see how to use this information in the workplace.

Neurobiology studies the brain and how stress can affect its structure. The brain is critical to understanding humans’ responses to stress and how that works in our bodies. Returning to the carnival ride, some people respond to stressors in life and can handle the stress with the support in place. They know that the world is overall safe. They have the protective factors to be resilient and can “do it again”! Other people will react to the stressors by seeing the world as scary and lonely; they don’t have the protective factors and agency to be resilient and falter in moving forward. They  “never want to do that again!” Each reaction is the person’s experience, and both are valid.

Epigenetics studies how the environment and behaviors can affect how our genetic code is expressed. It helps us better understand people’s varied responses to traumatic and stressful events based on intergenerational trauma. There is ongoing research into epigenetics, and the Harvard Center on the Developing Child is an excellent resource with an infographic that explains epigenetics and how it relates to child development. Reasons for a person’s or a group’s responses to the carnival ride (or other events) may lie in a person’s epigenetics. 

ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences) are children’s experiences from birth to age 18. These types of experiences can have long-term negative health implications for adults. The research study included ten specific traumatic events studied in the 1990s through Kaiser Permanente. The results showed that ACEs are common in the population; over 64% of adults said they had experienced at least one event, and nearly 1 in 6 reported four or more. There was a strong correlation between the number of ACEs and adverse health outcomes in the group with four or more ACEs. The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) has more information about ACEs and their implications on our population. These experiences cause toxic stress in a child, which can cause long-term negative impacts. In the example of the carnival ride, the child comes off the ride and is made fun of for their response to the experience, or there is no one there to comfort them. If this happens repeatedly, the stress builds up and can affect the stress response system in the body.

Resilience, the ability to bounce back from adversity, is nurtured through the protective factors established within our community or individually. Research has shown that these protective factors and Positive Childhood Experiences (PCEs) can mitigate the effects of ACEs. The support of friends and family, community members, and schools can have a positive long-term impact on the health of adults. In the example of the carnival ride, a child steps off and is scared, but another person is there who can comfort them. The child can feel safe about the experience, and the other person cheers them on to try more. This is an example of the protective factor of another person to mitigate the stress of the experience.

We often feel like we are on a carnival ride in our work and life. You or your staff members may react like one of my children to a stressful situation. When we have unresolved issues from childhood, those stressful experiences can bring on reactions that you or staff members may not fully understand the origin. The N.E.A.R. Science model helps your team to move from wondering, “What is wrong with that person?” to “What has happened to that person?” This shift can bring empathy and compassion to our interactions with team members.

The N.E.A.R. Science model provides a comprehensive view of the impact of trauma and ways to build resilience through individual practices and system-wide changes. When we grasp the principles of N.E.A.R. Science, we gain a deeper understanding of the individual and how they navigate life experiences. This understanding allows us to implement practices to help staff better understand and address their needs, leading to a more supportive and effective work environment.

Co-Regulation on the Road

What is the hardest thing for you to give over control to another person?

Mine is driving. I am an anxious passenger, especially with my young adult children. This anxiety comes from the years of driver training I had to endure with all four of them. I was in the passenger seat without control over the situation, grabbing the armrest or the handle above my head at the abrupt stops and sharp turns taken at too fast of a speed.

A car ride with my daughter usually started with me saying in a low, calm voice, “Slow down.” Each time I said the command, my voice raised several decibels, until by the sixth time I said “slow down,” my voice was louder than the rap music playing on the car speakers. She would get angry and start yelling back, not making the situation safe for either of us.

This past month, my daughter and I took a 1600-mile road trip from Austin, TX (where she attends college) to our home on the northern border of Minnesota. Our mode of transportation was a 2009 Toyota van with 192,000 miles that had not been driven since last June. The first step in our road trip adventure was to get the van moving, which required a new battery. Step two was to fix the air conditioning and the rattling noise emulated from the engine. 

Once those two steps were completed, we were speeding north on I-35. My daughter was taking the first driving shift, and I was anxiously sitting in the passenger seat. I kept my mouth shut as she pushed the van to faster speeds. I knew we had many miles to go before reaching our destination, and I knew that telling her to slow down didn’t make the situation better. 

Then the van started to shutter. She didn’t know what to do, so I calmly took a deep breath and told her to let off the gas pedal and take the next exit. As the van gradually regained its stability, a sense of relief washed over us. I continued to take deep breaths and calmly directed her to pull over at a gas station along the road, where we could finally feel safe and secure.

She felt scared by the van’s shuttering noise and wanted me to drive. I breathed deeply as we discussed the “avoid freeways” route we would take going north. Our route was a blessing as we drove through quiet rural towns and kept the speed under 65 mph to avoid another mishap with the van. That day, we travelled the Texas European route, stopping to eat in Athens (TX) and spending the night in Paris (TX). 

What does our road trip have to do with co-regulation?

Co-regulation occurs when one person lends their calmer nervous system to another person who is not calm. In my case, as my daughter was driving at faster speeds, I could feel my anxiety rising. To regulate my emotions, I practiced deep breathing, chewing gum, and positive self-talk. These techniques helped me stay calm and reassured me that we would be okay. 

When my daughter was anxious due to the freeway traffic and the noisy van, I kept talking to her in a calm, even voice. I may not have felt calm, but I kept calm. I knew from the past that raising my voice didn’t work. Once we pulled over at the gas station, I created a safe space for my daughter to calm down and talk about her anxiety and continuing to drive that day.

This moment supported her nervous system and helped her calm down. The next day, after a restful night in Paris, she was ready to take the next shift driving on the trip. We agreed that keeping the van speed at 65 mph or under would be best and staying on our rural highways. 

I couldn’t always keep my calm outlook as we travelled; however, when I felt myself start to tell her to “slow down” and raise my voice, I caught it sooner. My practice of “being calm” on the trip, despite the challenges, helped her anxiety and ultimately helped us both have a fun trip. This experience was a testament to our growth and resilience as we travelled the road home together.

Reflect on your situations with students, clients, or colleagues:

  1. How can you be the calm in the storm for others? 
  2. What are your strategies to calm your nervous system?
  3. What are the daily practices that you do that you can call upon in stressful situations?

Increasing Compassion in Your Life

Over the next few weeks, I will share a video series that looks at situations through a trauma-informed lens. 

In this video, you will:

  • Understand we are all carrying the stressors of life in our “invisible backpacks.”
  • Learn grace and compassion needs to balance setting expectations.
  • Reflect on increasing compassion and grace in your life.

You can find out more about including compassion and grace in your life on the Wildewood Learning blog: https://wildewoodlearning.com/what-are-you-carrying-in-your-invisible-backpack/

Unwrapping Peace – Gift #4

The holiday season can be frantic for both adults and children. There are the usual day-to-day things: school, work, practices, and homework. Then add the school programs to attend, sporting events, holiday events, decorating, baking, and shopping; the to-do list can get pretty long! It can get overwhelming, and we all need to give ourselves a little grace during this time of the year. 

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