Simple Acts of Compassion Create Connection

Revised from a post in January, 2021

Love your neighbor as yourself. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Many of the wisdom traditions use a version of the Golden Rule. This rule or guideline focuses on connecting with compassion. 

I remember when I was a child growing up in the ’70s and ’80s, I felt loneliness, anxiety, and the stress of expectations. However, the issues of my friendships, where to eat on a Saturday night (Pizza Hut, of course), and what to do when I felt there was nothing else to do, were much simpler than today. Without the invention of texting and social media, I usually didn’t know about a party until after the fact. If my friends decided to go to the movies and I wasn’t home to pick up the phone, my friends made plans. 

It’s different today for the current generation. Children and teens today have instant notifications, instant invitations, or instant connections, all through the little device in their hands. Yet, is it really what they want or need? Research reports a concerning rise in loneliness among teens, young people feeling disconnected and isolated even if they can connect instantly. This rise in adolescent loneliness is often linked to increased social media use and changes in social interactions, especially after the pandemic.

Even though my teen years differ significantly from my young adult children’s, I have compassion for this generation’s young people because of an essential shared human experience. The needs of belonging, connection, and to matter are essential at all stages of life.

I have worked in social and emotional learning for over 18 years. In those years, I have learned that building a connection with several caring, capable, and compassionate adults is essential in a young person’s life. Adults who will listen and seriously attempt to understand are protective factors for children and teens.

Compassion is created from three components – awareness of suffering, action to relieve suffering, and recognizing a shared human experience.

What does compassion look like as a caring adult?

I was working at a day camp one summer, and I saw a young person I knew sitting on the sideline, watching others play a game. I went over the talk to her and struck up a conversation. As I listened with curiosity and asked a few questions, I discovered she didn’t know the game’s rules. So I took the time to explain the rules and asked her to play. Simply listening and inviting her to play is an act of compassion.

The Search Institute, a research organization in Minneapolis, Minnesota, has compiled 40 positive supports and strengths a young person needs to succeed. One area is support: care from family, other adults, community members, and school staff. When a young person feels supported by the adults around him/her, there is a decrease in high-risk behaviors. Simple ways to connect with youth can happen in your community. YOU can play a part in the solution!

Here are ten ways to increase your compassion and connect with a child or teen.

  • Take an interest in an activity a child or teen you know is involved in by attending the activity or asking the teen questions, then listen.
  • Ask a child what they are interested in doing. What are her passions? What sparks his interests? 
  • Play a game of pick-up basketball (or other games) with a group of kids for fun.
  • Invite kids on the sidelines to participate in a game.
  • Give an authentic and specific compliment to a child. An example could be, “Wow, I admire how you organized the books on the shelf.”
  • Do a random act of kindness for a teen.
  • Ask, “What are your dreams?” “Whom would you like to be?”
  • Accept a child for who he or she is, a unique individual.
  • Make sure making mistakes is “okay” for both kids and adults. 
  • Breathe deeply and create a pause before saying something that could harm a child.

If you take steps on even some of these ten simple actions, you will build compassion in yourself over time. These activities will not completely solve our world’s complex problem of loneliness, violence, or inequities; however, it is a start.

Three Reasons to Find Your Resilience Support Team

This post was originally written in December 2021 and revised on December 3, 2024

This time of the year is for traditions, celebrations, and community. It’s also a time for rest, darkness, and solitude. In some ways, this time of the year is a paradox for me. How can I be both happy and sad at the same time? Can I be in the dark area of my soul and then see the light?

As I have aged, I have felt this paradox more strongly than ever. I see both sides of the story. I want to be with family and friends, yet sometimes I just want to sit on my bed by myself. The paradox is confusing. Life isn’t as cut and dried as we sometimes think it needs to be.

I want you to know that if you feel the season’s push and pull, that is perfect. You are feeling aware and know that most people’s lives are not like the family photo on the Facebook page. 

In the past, I have worked with a small school where I was lucky enough to support staff professional development working on resilience skills. The resource we use is a book written by Elena Aguilar, Onward Cultivating Emotional Resilience in Educators. It is an excellent resource; I used it for three years in a Professional Learning Community with the staff members. 

In 2020, I was part of a statewide Social and Emotional Learning cohort that used Onward as a resource for administrators and leadership. This was at the height of the pandemic, and we found Onward to be an extremely useful resource for us. The leadership team at the small school I served wanted to bring this resource to their staff and community.

The first cohort of staff and community members was created in June 2021. We were a small group reading and discussing several chapters in the book over a twelve-month span. There are 12 chapters, one for each month, each with a different skill to grow within ourselves. At the same time, I also joined an online book club the author and her team facilitated. In both groups, we met each month to read and discuss chapters.

The administration and staff received the focus on resilience so well that I was able to facilitate two more Professional Learning Community cohorts for the school I served with teaching and support staff. In all, I have read Onward at least three times, and each time, I have found value in the chapters, but mainly in the discussion with others.

There were three needs that I saw being addressed in all the groups:

  1. The need for community and support. We need to know that we are doing this together. Multiple emotions come up throughout the day, at work and home. Knowing we are not alone in that feeling makes it okay. Giving voice to what you feel is a path to self-awareness and self-management.
  1. Learning skills that can be used to build our own resilience. Onward and many other resources are full of skills to develop our resilience. Knowing and implementing those skills can be a way for adults in the school or organization to regulate their nervous system (calm brain and body). There are many ways to regulate, and you can pick and choose what will work for you.
  1. Stress relief is huge and needed! One of the ways the groups relieve stress for me is through authentic connection. At the beginning of our sessions, we have a set of norms. We talk about having confidentiality within the group. This norm helps to give people a safe space to be authentic and vulnerable. Growth and learning can happen when we feel safe in a relationship. 

“Even when I know better, I don’t always do better without constant practice and support.”

We go for the immediate rewards of the short sprint when we really need the consistency of the long haul. Building resilience, emotional intelligence, and ways to relieve stress, plus doing it with the support of a community, is the life preserver that we all need. I hope you find that group of compassionate adults who can support you in 2025. 

Wishing you all the best in 2025!!

Back to School: Creating Community and Connection

As a classroom science teacher, the beginning of the school year was always a special time for me. I would excitedly plan the curriculum, envision the learning students would experience, and then put up a few posters around the room to make the classroom feel inviting. At the top of my back-to-school “to-do” list was the curriculum, not building relationships.

Entering my fifth year of teaching, mainly middle school life science, I was about to embark on a new challenge – teaching 10th-grade Biology. During the teacher workshop week, a session on using circles to build classroom community caught my attention. It was primarily for elementary teachers, but I was open to trying something new. I was inspired to change how I started the school year with my new students.

In the session, I learned about using circles to build community. The session inspired me to think, “I can try something different to start the new school year. I am willing to change. What did I have to lose?” 

On the first day of the experiment, I had the students arrange their chairs in a large circle. I emphasized the significance of circles in building a community, where everyone has the opportunity to be seen, heard, and understood. I posed a simple question, and we passed around a stuffed animal to indicate who had the floor to speak. Then, we played some games. It was a fun, relaxed, and most importantly, it was a different way to start the school year. 

I continued to hold a circle throughout the first week of school, introducing a few biology concepts along the way. The students saw it as a way to get out of work, and I saw it as a way to connect.

We moved from a daily circle to a weekly circle and from me leading the circle to students leading the circle. The classroom time spent holding a circle allowed us to get to know each other. When problems came up during the school year, as they always do, we took the time to know one another. I could resolve conflicts and issues with students more easily through a short conversation instead of involving the administration.

At the beginning of my circle experiment, it was challenging for me to avoid jumping right into the curriculum. I had a difficult time overcoming the constant chatter in my head about summer learning loss and how we had to get through so much material to prepare students for college or life after high school. I had to work hard not to give in to the ongoing expectations of what a Biology classroom “should” look like.

My hope for the year was to grow a relationship with the students, help them see how biology fits into their lives, and remind them that we are all in this together. The community circle helped me meet all those goals and so much more!

I was doing trauma-informed work before it was even known as trauma-informed work. The community circle is just one way to help youth feel like they belong and support them in feeling seen, heard, and understood for who they are.

Community circles are a great way to start the school year with staff. They can help staff feel seen, heard, and understood, fostering a sense of belonging and creating the supported relationships needed to grow a resilient organization. These circles can also provide a platform for staff to share their experiences and concerns, promoting a culture of open communication and mutual support. 

Staff need to experience the circle before integrating it into their class community. If you are interested in starting the school year with your staff holding a community circle, I suggest the “Circle Forward” manual by Carolyn Boyes-Watson and Kay Pranis. This comprehensive guide provides a step-by-step introduction to the circle process, including its principles, practices, and potential challenges, and offers multiple ways to use it with staff and youth.

Circles are for more than just elementary classrooms. Circles create connections and communities with staff, families, and older youth. Please take a chance and consider implementing something that will make a connection at the beginning of your school year. I guarantee you won’t regret it.

Increasing Compassion in Your Life

Over the next few weeks, I will share a video series that looks at situations through a trauma-informed lens. 

In this video, you will:

  • Understand we are all carrying the stressors of life in our “invisible backpacks.”
  • Learn grace and compassion needs to balance setting expectations.
  • Reflect on increasing compassion and grace in your life.

You can find out more about including compassion and grace in your life on the Wildewood Learning blog: https://wildewoodlearning.com/what-are-you-carrying-in-your-invisible-backpack/

Four Resources for Exploring Culture

Culture is described in the dictionary as “the customs, arts, social institutions, and achievements of a particular nation, people, or other social group.”
In May 2020, the murder of George Floyd occurred in Minneapolis, Minnesota—my home state—the state of Minnesota Nice. Minnesotans are white Scandinavian folks that eat lefsa and bring hotdishes to potlucks at the church. The event did not fit my perceived image of Minnesota culture. There was something I needed to explore and get curious about that was not within my worldview.

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