Five Therapeutic Tools for Non-Therapists

I have been in many therapists ‘, social workers’, or mental health professionals’ offices over the years. I mostly attended appointments with family members, as well as a few for myself. It hasn’t always been easy to get an appointment or set up a screening when needed, and that is only going to get more difficult in the United States.

Living in rural America presents a unique challenge, with a staggering 160 million people in rural areas grappling with a severe shortage of mental health professionals. The need for over 8,000 additional providers nationally is a pressing issue that demands immediate attention. (commonwealthfund.org) 

I live in rural America, a small community on the Canadian border. We are fortunate to have a community hospital, as the next closest hospital would be 60 miles away. We are lucky to have a behavioral health department in the hospital, staffed with several therapists and social workers. I hope that our luck doesn’t run out.

When working with individuals who serve children and youth, I share that you don’t have to be a therapist to be therapeutic with the people you serve. However, you do need to have a few skills and knowledge in your toolbox to draw upon so that you can help children and youth. 

Two weeks ago, I had the opportunity to attend a conference where Dr. Bruce Perry discussed this very topic. I have been a fan of Dr. Perry’s ever since I read his book, “The Boy Who was Raised as a Dog,” and his more recent book with Oprah Winfrey, “What Happened to You?” He has worked with children who have experienced trauma for many years. 

Here are five key takeaways I gleaned from his presentation.

  1. Be Relationally Present

Put down the phone and meet the needs of the children who are in your presence with intention. Provide them with the attentive and kind interactions needed in the moment. It is in the small positive interactions that create a safe and connected environment for healing to occur.

  1. Provide Psychoeducation

If you interact with children, families, or colleagues, it is essential to understand the normal stress response. You need to recognize the response to stress in yourself and others. Often, in children, the stress response manifests as aggression, hyperactivity, or shutdown. Children in a stressful situation are not selecting their behaviors; they are reacting to fear, leading to behaviors labeled as challenging. Punishment and compliance don’t work; understanding and helping to mitigate the stressors work. 

  1. Teaching Sensory Support

You can teach simple, easy routines to children and families to help reduce stressors. Activities that engage the physical are the best, such as knitting, running, sculpting, and playing musical instruments. This is why the arts and outdoor recess are so important, not just in elementary age, but at all ages. These are opportunities to provide physical and emotional regulation. 

  1. Agency and Support

Encouraging understanding that you have agency in taking care of your basic needs (sleep, exercise, nutrition, connection) so that you can be your best self to support others. When serving at full capacity as an educator, social worker, or childcare provider, it is essential to understand the impact you have on the youth and children in your care. When you take care of your own needs, you can then create environments that feel safe for children and families to attend to their own needs.

  1. Community Engagement

Positive Childhood Experiences (PCEs) can significantly lessen the effects of Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs). The seven actions that support PCEs are all relationally based, emphasizing the profound impact of individual relationships on a child’s world. Whether you’re a coach, a teacher, a neighbor, a friend’s parent, or a youth leader, your role in creating space for children and youth to have positive and safe relationships is invaluable. Every adult who fosters such relationships is making a therapeutic difference in a child’s life.

If you are implementing any of these five strategies in your home, workplace, or community, you are playing a crucial role in supporting the mental health of children and youth. Dr. Perry’s talk reveals that healing from trauma is not primarily about clinical interventions, but about rebuilding human connections. Our modern world has systematically dismantled the relational networks that historically supported human development, creating environments of stress and disconnection. The brain, an incredibly complex organ, thrives on predictable, moderate challenges and consistent, attuned interactions. 
This is not intended to discourage seeking professional therapy when needed, but rather to emphasize the vital role of community interactions in fostering healing. Actual therapeutic work occurs not in isolated therapy sessions, but in communities where individuals—parents, neighbors, coaches, and educators—understand how to be present, responsive, and supportive. By recognizing that resilience is built through small, repeated moments of safety and connection, we can transform our approach to mental health from an individual medical model to a collective, compassionate community strategy.

There is No Magic Wand

There is a hard truth in life – There is No Magic Wand. 

However, humans are looking for the easy way out, the magic wand. You may look for what will make you feel better: the piece of cake, avoiding the workout, not taking the time to sit in silence, or keeping scrolling.

There is no single piece of advice or information I share on my blog that will improve your wellbeing; that is why I share many ways to enhance your wellness. 

This past month, I joined a weight loss group. I joined the group for several reasons, mostly to feel better about my body, increase my muscle mass, and potentially lose some weight. I also wanted accountability since I had been losing weight but had plateaued. I needed some help.

I am in week 2 of the program, and it’s not easy. In fact, it is very challenging. Then last week, my weight went in the wrong direction—UGGH!! I calmed myself down and reached out to my coach to ask about the increase. She gave me several valid reasons why my weight would have gone up, and none of them had to do with me not following the program. 

Here is the change in me!! 

  1. I calmed myself down and found a place within myself where I didn’t feel emotionally triggered by the number I saw on the scale.
  2. I reached out for help.
  3. I didn’t give up.

In the past, the number on the scale would have triggered me not to weigh myself for months. Then, I would just give up and tell myself that it’s my genetic (I have a disposition to a particular body type) or that no matter what I do, I can’t lose the pounds. 

I attribute my perseverance and changed reactions to my well-being practices. The short routine, mindsets, and tools I establish in the mornings set my mind in the “right” place. You can hear me talk about my morning routine here. 

Improving our well-being is hard work. Researchers have found an adaptation called hedonic adaptation in humans. This adaptation is the tendency to return to a set point after emotional changes. Because of this adaptation, our perception of happiness or sadness won’t last long. 

This adaptation is good because it lets us know that when a sad event happens, the sadness will not last forever. However, this is also why when you buy that new car you have been saving for, and you feel joy, the joy doesn’t last forever. It wears off, and we are on to the next emotional high without awareness of our feelings. 

Researchers have noticed that we go back to the emotional set point much more quickly after a positive event than after major events that are uncomfortable and cause loss, like losing a loved one or a job. 

To raise our emotional set point, we need to actively take care of ourselves. We need to find the tools, routines, and mindsets that help us ride and navigate the waves of change in our lives. These well-being practices are a powerful act of self-care that empowers us to face life’s challenges. 

Try this:

  1. What is one wellbeing tool, mindset, or routine you would like to practice this week? Pick something small, like watching a sunrise in silence, going for a 10-minute walk outside, or intentionally focusing on a positive event at the end of the day.
  2. When will you do this action? Set a reminder or put it in your calendar.
  3. Each time you do your chosen action, congratulate yourself with a pat on the back or a mental “way to go!”

When you start to practice wellbeing for yourself, there will be ups and downs. Remember that there is no magic wand for change; however, you are the magic to create change, starting with yourself.

Real Self-Care is Rooted in Strengths

Recently, I attended a Restorative Justice Program conference with practitioners and youth from throughout the state. This conference was different than other conferences I had attended. I could tell as I walked into the opening session conference room. 

The room had chairs arranged into five large circles. The room host said, “Choose the circle that speaks to you.” As I walked around the room and looked at the items in the middle of each circle, I noticed a deck of cards in the center of one of the circles. Written on the deck box cover was the phrase: Rest is Resistance. This concept, which I had heard for the second time in less than a week, suggests that rest is not a passive act, but a form of resistance against the societal pressures that often lead to burnout. This must be a signal that this was the circle for me.

As the conference proceeded, on the second day, I selected a circle discussion on self-care. The Circle Keeper (the facilitator) asked a question about our emotions. However, instead of saying an emotion, she associated emotion words with animals and plants. So, if you felt sad, you were a Weeping Willow, or if you felt tired, you were an Owl. Sometimes, a person was a combination of more than one emotion.

The second round of questions focused on incorporating self-care into our lives across various categories: physical, emotional, environmental, social, mental, spiritual, intellectual, and financial. The facilitator provided examples and explained how to create combinations of self-care activities. While we don’t need activities from every category, it’s important to find ways to prioritize self-care. It was great to hear everyone share their goals for enhancing self-care and aspects of their lives that already support it.

As you move into the summer season (here in the northern hemisphere), take the time to stop and consider your self-care combination. Your strengths and values are good places to turn to help you develop a summer plan.

One of my strengths from the CliftonStrengths assessment is that I am a Learner. As a Learner, I enjoy the process of learning, plus one of my top values is a love of learning. When I lean into my strengths and values, self-care looks like spending time reading a book in my backyard on the patio. This understanding of my strengths and values empowers me to make self-care choices that truly resonate with me. 

In a training I facilitated on Strengths in Action, a session that focuses on leveraging your unique strengths to promote self-care, I asked participants to reflect on their strengths and recall when one or more of their strengths helped them in self-care. The conversation reflected on the resilience they had built through leaning into their strengths in ways that promoted self-care. 

You can do the same! Here are a few questions to start you on your way:

  1. What are your strengths? 

If you are unsure, I facilitate Strength Conversations with individuals and teams that can help you become aware and take action to support your self-care.

  1. What are your values? 

This is another area in which I support individuals and teams in growing to be their best for the people they serve. 

  1. What area do you want to focus on for self-care? 

Select one category: Physical, Emotional, Environmental, Social, Mental, Spiritual, Intellectual, or Financial. Some activities can be in more than one area. You choose!

  1. When will you practice?

Build the activity into your daily calendar. It’s better to start small, like a 10-minute walk, a 5-minute rest, a simple text to friends, or selecting one kitchen drawer to declutter. Whatever you choose, remember to congratulate yourself on taking the time to do it! Celebrating your efforts is an important part of the self-care journey.

If you need more inspiration, sign up for my free toolkit, 5 Simple Strategies to Build Resilience and Reduce Burnout. Remember, you’re not alone in this journey. Support is available to help you identify and live by your strengths and values.

Let these few months of summer be time for you to exhale and create ways to build resilience through self-care.

The High Cost of Trauma

“Trauma: I don’t have any trauma in my life! I came from a good family with supportive parents, had a roof over my head, and food on the table. My life is great! So why do I need to be aware of the effects of trauma on me?”

These are the thoughts I had before learning about the effects of Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) and Secondary Traumatic Stress on a person. 

Now, don’t get me wrong. In childhood, I did have supportive parents, a roof over my head, and food on the table. However, as a child, my weight was a great source of bullying, which led me down the road of starting to diet in 8th grade, leading to my struggles with body image.  

In my adult life, my husband and I adopted children from foster care. We had a big house and lots of love in our hearts to open our home to a sibling group. This experience is how I learned about secondary traumatic stress. 

Secondary traumatic stress is a psychological condition when a person is exposed to the traumatic experiences of another person. Our children had experienced multiple losses and chronic stress in their short lives. Those past losses and stressors showed up in challenging behaviors I didn’t understand, creating a lot of stress for my husband and me. 

My journey has opened my eyes to the pervasive nature of trauma.

The trauma of the past doesn’t leave our systems; it doesn’t magically disappear. Without deeper examination and taking responsibility for our well-being, our trauma shows up in so many different ways, especially in workplaces that don’t feel psychologically safe. 

The Campaign for Trauma-Informed Policy and Practices has estimated that the cost of an unsafe workplace can reduce productivity by up to 20%, and replacing an employee who leaves the organization can cost up to $25,000 to that organization. In recent years, I have known many veteran educators and non-profit staff who have left an organization or school due to a toxic workplace. Think of the years of experience, professional development, and expertise an organization puts into that person walking out the door.  

Plus, there are the healthcare impacts of an unsafe workplace culture. More sick days are taken, higher levels of burnout, and more significant claims to health insurance. These financial and healthcare implications should serve as a wake-up call to the importance of addressing trauma in the workplace.

Did you know:

70% of adults have experienced at least one traumatic event

20% have four or more ACEs and

5% have been diagnosed with PTSD or Complex PTSD

I can go on with the statistics; however, I think you get the picture. People come with trauma and chronic stress from their lives in to the workplace. That trauma and stress can’t just be left at the door. When the workplace culture feels unsafe to them, they react. 

What might the reactions look like? Here are a few indicators,

  • Overly sensitive to feedback
  • Regularly calling in sick
  • Working extremely long hours that leads to burnout
  • Hard time making decisions
  • Complaining about everything

What can you do to create a workplace that feels safe?

  • Awareness is the first step. Leadership needs to acknowledge the losses through the impact of trauma, chronic stress, and unsafe workplace culture.
  • Create a safe environment where employees feel heard and seen through the organizations’ routines, protocols, and policies.
  • Connection and communication is key throughout the organization. 
  • Leaders are role models for their staff in the need for well-being practices. These practices can shift a situation’s energy from shame and blame to curiosity and understanding.
  • Shifting the conversation from “What’s wrong with you?” to “What’s happened to you?” to “What’s right with you?” 

These shifts in the workplace must be accompanied by personal responsibility. When each individual in the system recognizes their role and commits to growing in self-awareness, alongside the changes from leadership, the workplace can transform from a toxic environment to one of purpose and enjoyment. 
Check out the other resources on the Wildewood Learning blog to grow your knowledge in trauma-informed resiliency practices for organizations and schools.

How Gratitude is a Tool for Resilience

Do you share my love for reading? I always have a book (or ten) by my bedside, and my TBR (To Be Read) stack is taller than some of my bookcases. Reading has been a lifelong passion for me. As a child, it was a way for me to escape into a world more thrilling than the one I was living in at the moment.

Reading is a powerful tool for personal and professional growth. It can help you gain new perspectives on the world. For my book club, I recently read Robin Wall Kimmerer’s The Serviceberry: An Economy of Abundance. This insightful essay, which has now evolved into a book, offers a unique perspective on abundance and gratitude.

Kimmerer, also the author of Braiding Sweetgrass, a number-one bestseller, weaves Indigenous wisdom, ecological systems, and the ethic of reciprocity to reimagine a different type of economy—a gift economy. She explores what it means to create a world where reciprocity and gratitude help meet the needs of ourselves and our communities.

Gratitude is one of those skills that creates resilience within ourselves and our organizations.

Kimmerer writes:

“Gratitude is so much more than a polite ‘thank you.’ It is the thread that connects us in a deep relationship, simultaneously physical and spiritual, as our bodies are fed and spirits nourished by the sense of belonging, which is the most vital of foods. Gratitude creates a sense of abundance, the knowing that you have what you need. In that climate of sufficiency, our hunger for more abates and we take only what we need, in respect for the generosity of the giver.”

Take a moment to reflect on gratitude. What resonates with you in Kimmerer’s words? What are you grateful for in your life? Where do you feel abundant? Who can you express your thanks to? These reflections can bring a deeper appreciation for the richness in your life.

Gratitude, abundance, generosity, and giving are all ways to build resilience. Resilience is the ability to bounce back from adversity. However, when we bounce back, we usually need a hand to hold, a place to recognize our needs, and space to be held.

Today, I am grateful for you. Know that I am holding your hands, inviting you to a place to recognize what you need, and making space for you in my heart. Now, go out and serve with your whole heart.

A Story of Hope

Last week, I shared about a teacher in Idaho who was asked to take down an “Everyone is Welcome Here” sign in her classroom. Watching the students’ response gives me hope for the future! Their resilience and commitment to inclusivity remind us of the power of standing together and expressing gratitude for the communities we build.

Let’s continue to cultivate gratitude and resilience in our daily lives. What are you grateful for today?

Worried About Fewer Resources for Families and Children? Me Too!

As a parent, educator, and community member, I have noticed a shift—not just in the seasons here in northern Minnesota, but in something much bigger. The policies affecting families, children, and youth in the United States are changing, and not for the better.

I won’t sugarcoat it: I know people directly impacted by the reduction of public programs designed to support well-being. My children have attended Head Start, and we’ve benefited from the school lunch program—both of which rely on federal funding. Many administrators, classroom teachers, and early childhood educators are growing increasingly concerned about funding cuts that threaten their livelihoods and the families they serve.

At conferences and events with professionals in education, social work, and non-profits, I hear the same shared concerns—worry, fear, and uncertainty about the future. I recently saw a news report about a teacher in Idaho who was told to remove a sign in her classroom that read, “Everyone is Welcome.” Her response resonated deeply: “Isn’t that the basis of public education?”

Building Resilience in Uncertain Times

In moments like this, resilience is more important than ever. Here are some practical strategies to help navigate these challenges and empower you to make a difference:

  • Deep breathing and other self-regulation tools
  • Focusing on what you can control and what you can’t
  • Clarifying your values
  • Recognizing your strengths and leaning into the strengths of others
  • Building a supportive community and identifying local assets
  • Finding micro-joys in daily life

Small, intentional actions throughout your day can help regulate your nervous system and bring a sense of balance. Research shows that one of the most significant ways to support children and youth is for the adults in their lives to model emotional regulation. By taking care of ourselves, we set the foundation for a healthier, more resilient community.

Expanding Support: New YouTube Offerings

Over the next few months, I am expanding my YouTube content to provide more support for individuals navigating these uncertain times. I’ll be sharing mindfulness exercises, stress management techniques, and workplace wellness strategies that you can incorporate into your daily routines.

I invite you to subscribe and stay updated on new tools and resources. Simply click the subscribe button to join our growing community.

I also love hearing from you! What strategies have helped you find calm in challenging times? Feel free to reach out and share your thoughts—I’d love to learn from you.

Together, we can build resilience and continue advocating for the well-being of families and children.

Celebrating Black History Month

February begins in just a few days, and so does Black History Month. I did some research on the origins of the month and the history behind celebrating the contributions made by African Americans to society.

In school, I remember learning about a few predominantly black Americans who had made huge impacts in our county. Frederick Douglas, Harriet Tubman, and Martin Luther King, Jr. are important people who changed the world. However, there is so much more to the contributions of people of color to our country.

Black history month started initially in 1926 as Negro History Week, created by Dr. Carter G. Woodson, founder of what is now called the Association for the Study of African American Life and History. The Civil Rights Movement of the 1960s elevated the importance of recognizing African American history and brought attention to ongoing systematic inequality. 1970 brought the first ever observed Black History Month, which started at Kent State University in Ohio.

It is essential to teach and acknowledge the impact of people of the BIPOC (Black, Indigenous, and People of Color) community in our schools, families, and workplaces. Many contributions to our communities have been left out of history and representation. 

In my last blog post, belonging was described as a deep connection and acceptance that people experience when recognized as an essential part of the community. When we incorporate activities and acknowledge Black people’s contributions to our communities, we create belonging.

I want to highlight three resources for exploring how to incorporate Black History into your school, organization, or work with children and families.

Britt Hawthorn is an antiracist educator, teacher, speaker, visionary, and advocate. She is the author of Raising Antiracist Children: A Practical Parenting Guide.

What I like about Britt’s newsletter is that she is excellent at offering resources for working with people with children and parents to create an inclusive classroom or home.

32 Children’s Activities for Black History Month is an excellent example of the resources she offers.

LiberatED is an organization started by Dr. Dena Simmons. Dr. Simmons is a former assistant director of Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, where she supported schools in using the power of emotions to create a more compassionate and just society. 

What I like about the LiberatED organization is that it is based on practices that promote learning, wellness, engagement, and belonging in schools and classrooms. The newsletter and social media posts offer resources for implementing those practices in a way that builds community.

LiberatED invites readers to reflect on three powerful questions for educators in the January newsletter. The best place to follow LiberatED is on Instagram, where you can explore many resources.

Amazeworks is a nonprofit organization in St. Paul, Minnesota, that champions equity and belonging for all. Its mission is to create belonging through relationships. The organization offers many resources to educators and child caregivers. 

What I like about Amazeworks is that it has resources for all cultures. The website’s “Hot Topic” tab lists all the recent resources posted. The children’s literature highlighted in the newsletter has downloadable lesson plans that tie in with cultural, belonging, and inclusion themes. 

Amazeworks has several past posts on Black History month. In the February 2022 newsletter, Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow offers an interview with Dr. Artika R. Tyner, a passionate educator, lawyer, justice advocate, and founder of Planting People Growing Justice (PPGJ), plus many links to resources for Black History Month.

There are numerous resources available to help you incorporate Black History Month into your school, workplace, or home. I selected these three because I received their newsletter in my inbox and found value in their resources. Recently, there has been a rollback in diversity, inclusion, and equity programming across the United States. This is why, as educators and professionals, we must engage in our own learning and look for ways to ensure our communities feel safe and included. I hope you will take the time to explore the few resources I have provided and reflect on how you will share Black History and other culturally relevant information with those you serve.

Creating Spaces of Belonging: Practical Steps for Leaders and Educators

Loneliness has become an epidemic in America. Outgoing U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy highlighted this issue in a 2023 report, emphasizing that loneliness is more than just a negative emotion; it poses a significant public health risk. In his farewell letter, Murthy underscores the crucial role of community in addressing this widespread problem, which impacts over 36% of the U.S. population.

One of a community’s most wonderful aspects is its warm sense of belonging. This feeling of belonging highlights the deep connections and acceptance that people experience when they recognize themselves as essential parts of a community. It goes well beyond just being acknowledged; it’s about creating an environment where everyone feels valued, supported, and truly understood for who they are.

There are four key elements to belonging:

  1. Acceptance: feeling accepted for one’s authentic self, including strengths, vulnerabilities, and differences.
  2. Connection: Building meaningful relationships that have trust, empathy, and understanding
  3. Value and Contribution: Recognizing that your presence and contributions are appreciated and essential to the community
  4. Identity and Inclusion: Experiencing a sense of alignment between your personal identity and the group while still honoring your uniqueness.

In my previous posts, I discussed each of these elements. Each is significant individually, but incorporating all four elements is essential for building a workplace or classroom that fosters a culture of belonging.

Why do we need to create spaces of belonging?

Numerous reasons exist for why this is an essential part of the workplace or classroom. Here are a few key reasons why, as a leader, you must proactively foster an environment of belonging.

  • Enhances emotional well-being, which reduces loneliness and burnout.
  • Boosts engagement and motivation; employees who experience a sense of belonging tend to stay with the organization, much like students.
  • Mitigates adverse outcomes of exclusion, such as absenteeism, behavior, and academic challenges

What practical, small, doable changes can you make in your workplace or classroom that will enhance belonging? 

Foster a culture of appreciation by establishing a weekly “shout-out board” for peers and leaders to highlight specific contributions.

Inclusive Decision-Making and Collaboration: Assign roles in meetings and activities to involve everyone in discussions and engagements. The Fist of Five and Cooperative Learning are techniques I discovered in my initial teaching experiences. When implemented effectively, they can significantly improve the sense of community in both classrooms and workplaces. 

In a Forbes article titled “Fist of Five Voting: A Different Approach,” Dr. Joel Rothaizer discusses how leaders can employ this technique to gather feedback during decision-making. 

In a Cult of Pedagogy podcast/article by Jennifer Gonzalez, “Making Cooperative Learning Work Better,” she discusses her struggles with cooperative learning and how the strategy can be better implemented in the classroom.

Check-Ins: Check-ins hold significant power and require less time than expected.

In a Facebook reel, author Simon Sinek highlights the impact of a check-in, which can lead to change in just 8 minutes or less when reaching out to a friend or colleague. 

In the classroom, checking in during the day is easy! Just asking, “How are you doing today? Thumbs up, sideways, or down” can make a big difference. Plus, having one-on-one check-ins with students who might be facing challenges really helps them feel supported. It’s heartwarming to see students pay attention to each other’s thumb positions and take the initiative to check in on their classmates, fostering a caring community!  

Small actions can make a big impact.

Each of these practical ideas is just one small way to start creating spaces for belonging and improving the culture of your workplace or classroom. I encourage you to pick just one of the actions and start implementing it today. Build the action into a daily routine, and as you do, watch how you create a community of belonging within your environment.

Simple Acts of Compassion Create Connection

Revised from a post in January, 2021

Love your neighbor as yourself. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Many of the wisdom traditions use a version of the Golden Rule. This rule or guideline focuses on connecting with compassion. 

I remember when I was a child growing up in the ’70s and ’80s, I felt loneliness, anxiety, and the stress of expectations. However, the issues of my friendships, where to eat on a Saturday night (Pizza Hut, of course), and what to do when I felt there was nothing else to do, were much simpler than today. Without the invention of texting and social media, I usually didn’t know about a party until after the fact. If my friends decided to go to the movies and I wasn’t home to pick up the phone, my friends made plans. 

It’s different today for the current generation. Children and teens today have instant notifications, instant invitations, or instant connections, all through the little device in their hands. Yet, is it really what they want or need? Research reports a concerning rise in loneliness among teens, young people feeling disconnected and isolated even if they can connect instantly. This rise in adolescent loneliness is often linked to increased social media use and changes in social interactions, especially after the pandemic.

Even though my teen years differ significantly from my young adult children’s, I have compassion for this generation’s young people because of an essential shared human experience. The needs of belonging, connection, and to matter are essential at all stages of life.

I have worked in social and emotional learning for over 18 years. In those years, I have learned that building a connection with several caring, capable, and compassionate adults is essential in a young person’s life. Adults who will listen and seriously attempt to understand are protective factors for children and teens.

Compassion is created from three components – awareness of suffering, action to relieve suffering, and recognizing a shared human experience.

What does compassion look like as a caring adult?

I was working at a day camp one summer, and I saw a young person I knew sitting on the sideline, watching others play a game. I went over the talk to her and struck up a conversation. As I listened with curiosity and asked a few questions, I discovered she didn’t know the game’s rules. So I took the time to explain the rules and asked her to play. Simply listening and inviting her to play is an act of compassion.

The Search Institute, a research organization in Minneapolis, Minnesota, has compiled 40 positive supports and strengths a young person needs to succeed. One area is support: care from family, other adults, community members, and school staff. When a young person feels supported by the adults around him/her, there is a decrease in high-risk behaviors. Simple ways to connect with youth can happen in your community. YOU can play a part in the solution!

Here are ten ways to increase your compassion and connect with a child or teen.

  • Take an interest in an activity a child or teen you know is involved in by attending the activity or asking the teen questions, then listen.
  • Ask a child what they are interested in doing. What are her passions? What sparks his interests? 
  • Play a game of pick-up basketball (or other games) with a group of kids for fun.
  • Invite kids on the sidelines to participate in a game.
  • Give an authentic and specific compliment to a child. An example could be, “Wow, I admire how you organized the books on the shelf.”
  • Do a random act of kindness for a teen.
  • Ask, “What are your dreams?” “Whom would you like to be?”
  • Accept a child for who he or she is, a unique individual.
  • Make sure making mistakes is “okay” for both kids and adults. 
  • Breathe deeply and create a pause before saying something that could harm a child.

If you take steps on even some of these ten simple actions, you will build compassion in yourself over time. These activities will not completely solve our world’s complex problem of loneliness, violence, or inequities; however, it is a start.

Three Reasons to Find Your Resilience Support Team

This post was originally written in December 2021 and revised on December 3, 2024

This time of the year is for traditions, celebrations, and community. It’s also a time for rest, darkness, and solitude. In some ways, this time of the year is a paradox for me. How can I be both happy and sad at the same time? Can I be in the dark area of my soul and then see the light?

As I have aged, I have felt this paradox more strongly than ever. I see both sides of the story. I want to be with family and friends, yet sometimes I just want to sit on my bed by myself. The paradox is confusing. Life isn’t as cut and dried as we sometimes think it needs to be.

I want you to know that if you feel the season’s push and pull, that is perfect. You are feeling aware and know that most people’s lives are not like the family photo on the Facebook page. 

In the past, I have worked with a small school where I was lucky enough to support staff professional development working on resilience skills. The resource we use is a book written by Elena Aguilar, Onward Cultivating Emotional Resilience in Educators. It is an excellent resource; I used it for three years in a Professional Learning Community with the staff members. 

In 2020, I was part of a statewide Social and Emotional Learning cohort that used Onward as a resource for administrators and leadership. This was at the height of the pandemic, and we found Onward to be an extremely useful resource for us. The leadership team at the small school I served wanted to bring this resource to their staff and community.

The first cohort of staff and community members was created in June 2021. We were a small group reading and discussing several chapters in the book over a twelve-month span. There are 12 chapters, one for each month, each with a different skill to grow within ourselves. At the same time, I also joined an online book club the author and her team facilitated. In both groups, we met each month to read and discuss chapters.

The administration and staff received the focus on resilience so well that I was able to facilitate two more Professional Learning Community cohorts for the school I served with teaching and support staff. In all, I have read Onward at least three times, and each time, I have found value in the chapters, but mainly in the discussion with others.

There were three needs that I saw being addressed in all the groups:

  1. The need for community and support. We need to know that we are doing this together. Multiple emotions come up throughout the day, at work and home. Knowing we are not alone in that feeling makes it okay. Giving voice to what you feel is a path to self-awareness and self-management.
  1. Learning skills that can be used to build our own resilience. Onward and many other resources are full of skills to develop our resilience. Knowing and implementing those skills can be a way for adults in the school or organization to regulate their nervous system (calm brain and body). There are many ways to regulate, and you can pick and choose what will work for you.
  1. Stress relief is huge and needed! One of the ways the groups relieve stress for me is through authentic connection. At the beginning of our sessions, we have a set of norms. We talk about having confidentiality within the group. This norm helps to give people a safe space to be authentic and vulnerable. Growth and learning can happen when we feel safe in a relationship. 

“Even when I know better, I don’t always do better without constant practice and support.”

We go for the immediate rewards of the short sprint when we really need the consistency of the long haul. Building resilience, emotional intelligence, and ways to relieve stress, plus doing it with the support of a community, is the life preserver that we all need. I hope you find that group of compassionate adults who can support you in 2025. 

Wishing you all the best in 2025!!