Trauma-Informed Is Not “Soft”, It’s Strategic for Organizational Growth

When I became a parent to four children from the foster care system, I thought I understood trauma and its effects on children. I had read many well-regarded books on the subject and a few that were, frankly, misguided about how to support children from hard places.

I remember reading stories about children with intense, reactive behaviors and thinking, “Oh, not my children.” What I quickly came to understand is that children who grow up in chronic stress without caring, capable adults to help them regulate often develop behaviors that are adaptive for survival, but difficult to understand on the surface.

What is less often named is this: those adaptive responses don’t simply disappear in adulthood.

Without self-awareness and support, the effects of childhood trauma can carry forward, shaping how adults respond to stress, conflict, and relationships. For those of us who work with families and children, this matters. 

Our own unresolved stress responses can influence how we interpret behavior, communicate with caregivers, and show up in moments that require calm and connection. This is one reason trauma-informed practice is not just about understanding children—it’s about understanding ourselves.

When professionals working with children and families hear “trauma-informed,” there’s a worry that trauma-informed practices mean lowering expectations, avoiding accountability, or being “too soft.” However, the opposite is true.

Trauma-informed work is not about doing less; it’s a strategic approach that enhances organizational effectiveness and growth. It’s about creating conditions that enable people to do their best work.

What trauma-informed really means

At its core, trauma-informed practice recognizes a simple truth: stress and trauma change how people think, feel, and respond, especially children.

When individuals are overwhelmed or dysregulated, they have less access to:

  • problem-solving
  • emotional regulation
  • empathy and connection

These behaviors appear in classrooms, family systems, and organizations as reactivity, shutdown, or burnout. Trauma-informed practices don’t justify these responses; they enable us to understand them better so we can respond more effectively.

When we shift from “What’s wrong with them?” to “What’s happened to them?”, our responses change, and outcomes can improve, fostering hope for better futures.

Why this is strategic, not soft

Trauma-informed organizations are often more:

  • clear
  • consistent
  • regulated
  • effective

They pay attention to how policies, schedules, communication styles, and expectations impact the nervous systems of the people within them. Instead of relying on individuals to “hold it together,” they reduce unnecessary stress at the system level.

Paying attention to staff is especially important in organizations that serve families and children. Adults who feel supported and regulated are better able to co-regulate with children, communicate with families, and stay grounded during challenging moments.

Trauma-informed practices strengthen capacity. They don’t lower the bar; they make it reachable.

One small action you can take

If trauma-informed work feels big or overwhelming, start here:

Pause before responding to behavior, whether adult or child, and ask one question:
“What might this person need right now to feel safe enough to engage?”

Practicing the pause creates space for regulation, curiosity, and choice. It shifts the response from reactive to intentional and can change the tone of an entire interaction.

One part of a larger framework

Trauma-informed practice is essential, but it’s not the whole picture.

It is one piece of a larger ecosystem I call the ROOTS Framework, a way of thinking about organizational culture that integrates regulation, strengths, systems, and sustainability. Trauma-informed practices help create safety. From there, strengths can emerge, systems can support well-being, and people can truly thrive.

Culture change doesn’t happen all at once. It begins with small, thoughtful shifts that make adopting trauma-informed practices more approachable and sustainable.

Trauma-informed work is one of the most strategic places to begin.

Short & Sweet Strategies to Reduce Stress This Holiday Season

The holidays have a way of pulling us in every direction at once. There’s the joy, of course—the lights, the traditions, the small magical moments. But there’s also the weight: expectations, family dynamics, full calendars, financial pressure, and the deep desire to hold everything together for everyone else.

For so many helping professionals—educators, social service providers, childcare staff—this time of year isn’t simply busy. It’s emotionally loaded. You’re carrying your own life, your own hopes for the holidays, and the needs and stresses of the children and families you serve. And without even noticing, we slip into a familiar thought, “I’ll take care of myself later.”

I know that pattern well. 

The Season My Life Changed

Almost 20 years ago, when we adopted our children, life shifted overnight (you can read about our adoption here). Adoption brings joy, tenderness, and deep purpose—but it also brings trauma histories, transitions, and big emotions. Every day required everything I had. I told myself I just needed to push through.

Six months later, I was hit with a significant health challenge, breast cancer. It forced me to sit still, look honestly at my life, and ask: How long had it been since I had taken care of myself?

The truth was hard to face. I had been operating under stress, urgency, and exhaustion for too long. I ignored every signal my body was sending. My cancer was what I call a 2 by 4 moment—a moment when I wasn’t paying attention when I needed to. So God had to hit me over the head with a 2×4 to get my attention!

I realized that during the time my body made me slow down, I came upon something that has shaped my work and my life ever since:

Stress isn’t just a feeling. It’s a full-body process.
And the smallest practices make the biggest difference.

I didn’t need a weeklong retreat to heal my stress patterns (however, that would have been nice). I needed the tiny, doable moments my nervous system could actually receive—moments that brought me back to myself while life was still happening.

Those small practices became my lifeline, and now they’re one of the foundational tools of my framework that  I teach to educators and helping professionals today.

Stress Is Normal

One of the most trauma-informed truths we can embrace is this: There is nothing wrong with you for feeling stressed. Stress is a normal, biological process. It happens anytime something is difficult, uncertain, emotional, or demanding.

Your nervous system isn’t misbehaving—it’s trying to protect you.

The key isn’t eliminating stress. It’s building a “menu” of practices that help you return to yourself when the world pulls you away. Especially in the holiday season, when pressure quietly (and sometimes loudly) ramps up, these small practices are an act of grounding and resilience.

Let’s talk about some short and sweet strategies you can weave into your day—whether you have 2 minutes or 20. Here are some strategies to try.

Short Resets (2–5 minutes)

1. Exhale Longer Than You Inhale: A long exhale tells your brain, “We are safe enough to settle.” Try a 4-second inhale, 6-second exhale.

2. Hand on Heart: A simple, powerful gesture that brings warmth and reassurance—especially helpful when emotions are high.

3. Joyful Photos: Look at something that sparks positive emotion—your pet, a funny memory, a favorite place.  A 10-second emotional shift is still a shift.

Medium Moments (5–10 minutes)

1. Soothing Soundtrack: Music is a regulatory tool for your nervous system. Find a playlist that helps your body get its needs met, whether it’s to calm, energize, or entertain.

2. Repetitive Crafts: Knitting, coloring, doodling—activities with rhythmic motion calm the system beautifully, and you can do them together with friends, family, or co-workers.

3. Mindful Eating or Drinking: Sip a warm tea, cocoa, cider, or coffee and really taste it. See how long it takes you to eat that holiday cookie. Be in the present moment and enjoy the sensations.

Rest, Restore, Reconnect (10+ minutes)

1. Movement Practice: Yoga, swimming, strength training—gentle or energizing, your choice.

2. Nature Time: Ten minutes under a tree can do what 50 minutes at a desk cannot.

3. Long Nap or Rest: Permission to rest is permission to heal. Rest builds resilience.

Your Menu: Choose What Works for the season.

In my workshops, I always tell people: you don’t need all of these. Pick three practices—one short, one medium, one longer—and let those be your “holiday menu.”

Life isn’t about perfection or achieving calm 24/7. It’s about creating micro-moments when your body can return to steadiness and safety.

It’s burnout prevention. It’s a trauma-informed way of caring for your whole self, and it matters. Especially now.

As you move through the holidays and into 2026, I hope you’ll offer yourself the compassion you so readily give to others.

Small practices work.
Small practices count.

Small practices change lives.

If you want more tools or support, I have an extended “Holiday Menu” you can download HERE. I’ll be sharing even more short-and-sweet practices throughout the season.

Here’s to a little less stress, a little more peace, and a year ahead that feels more like you.

How a County Committee Created a Roadmap for the Future

This is the third case study I have shared over the last few months to illustrate Wildewood Learning’s partnership with schools and organizations that serve families and children, with a trauma-informed, strength-based approach. 

Read the case study on how Wildewood Learning partnered with a school district HERE.

Read the case study on how Wildewood Learning partnered with a social service agency HERE.

The Community Justice Coordinating Committee (CJCC) was an ad-hoc group of stakeholders in the justice system of a rural county in Minnesota. The committee has met monthly since 2014 to address the growing inmate population in the county jail. The CJCC is a dedicated committee that brings together local hospital, law enforcement, community action, the court system, county commissioners, social services, schools, and other local organizations and agencies, all with the goal of helping residents avoid recidivism in the court system.

Challenge

The CJCC sought to expand its networking capacity to enhance the mental health of targeted populations by formalizing relationships between stakeholders. In formalizing the committee, the Reaching Rural Grant funding awarded to Roseau County hired Wildewood Learning to help develop a strategic plan, bylaws, and a communication plan, creating a network to expand mental health and chemical dependency services for area residents. 

In a rural county with a population of just over 10,000 residents, the availability of services is limited. The formalization of the CJCC and development of a strategic plan would provide stakeholders with the basis to apply for grant funds to increase services.

The CJCC also sought to integrate trauma-informed principles and strength-based interventions into the services offered to county residents. 

Solutions

To support the CJCC in formalizing its structure and strengthening its impact, Wildewood Learning (Kathryn Magnusson) co-facilitated a collaborative planning process that united diverse county partners around shared priorities. Through a series of activities with the steering committee and guided whole committee discussions, the group identified key community challenges, developed a mission and vision grounded in resilience and well-being, and created a strategic framework to guide future decision-making. The process emphasized inclusion, ensuring that voices from law enforcement, social services, schools, healthcare, and community organizations all contributed to shaping the plan’s direction.

Wildewood Learning also integrated trauma-informed and strengths-based principles into every stage of the planning process. The resulting strategic plan outlined clear goals, measurable outcomes, and realistic action steps to enhance coordination across systems, expand access to behavioral health and prevention programs, and empower community members as active participants in building safety and a sense of belonging. In addition to the strategic plan, Kathryn facilitated the development of formal bylaws, a communication plan, and tools for tracking progress—providing the CJCC with a sustainable framework for collaboration and funding readiness.

Results

  • A comprehensive five-year strategic plan was created through a collaborative process facilitated by Wildewood Learning—the plan establishes measurable outcomes and progress indicators to guide cross-agency collaboration and service delivery.
  • Enhanced community engagement through clearer communication channels, formal bylaws, and inclusive outreach strategies that gave underrepresented populations a voice in local justice initiatives.
  • Increased organizational capacity and funding readiness, positioning the CJCC to pursue grants and partnerships that expand mental health, substance use, and prevention services across the county.

The CJCC’s transformation from an informal working group into a formalized, collaborative committee illustrates what’s possible when a community unites around shared purpose and strategic action. Through facilitated planning, the group developed a clear mission, vision, and structure that will guide future decision-making and strengthen coordination among justice, health, and social service partners. This process not only created a foundation for sustainable funding and service expansion but also deepened relationships across systems—ensuring that every resident has access to the support they need to thrive.

As Sue Grafstrom, Reaching Rural Grant Manager, reflected, “Hiring Kathryn to carry out the goals and objectives of our Reaching Rural Grant was a great decision! She was able to capture the essence of what I wanted to accomplish in formalizing our Roseau County Justice Coordinating Committee. We now have a formal organization, mission, vision, and a strategic plan. She has the knowledge and experience to dig in and get things done.”If your organization or county is ready to strengthen collaboration, build trauma-informed systems, and create a shared vision for community well-being, Wildewood Learning can help. Together, we can design strategic, trauma-informed, and strength-based solutions that move your community from a reactive to a resilient state—building systems that foster belonging, safety, and hope. Connect with Wildewood Learning Training and Consulting today!

The Necessity of Core Values

On long road trips alone, I enjoy listening to podcasts. I like filling my mind with others’ wisdom. This past weekend, I listened to Brené Brown’s Dare to Lead podcast. She has just released a new book, Strong Ground, on leadership, and is kicking off its promotion with conversations with Adam Grant. If you’re not familiar with Adam Grant’s work, he has authored several books on organizational psychology.

In one of the episodes I listened to, they discussed core values as a crucial part of leadership. I have narrowed my core values to three —spirituality, adventure, and contributing — but Brené suggests focusing on just two. She highlights the significance of these two values as they truly guide our actions and choices. She urges us to do the hard work of asking ourselves, What does this look like and sound like in my life?

For me, my value of spirituality is a priority in my life. I take time in the morning to watch a sunrise or meditate. This helps me see that there is something bigger than myself and the connection I feel. Adventure is also one of my values. I see adventure when planning trips to places I’ve never been before. I also find adventure in learning new things and ideas.

Helping organizations and schools identify their core values is part of my work with leaders and staff to initiate conversations about values and their impact on the workplace. 

This summer, I worked with a group of high school students and their mentors to identify values. They were asked to review the company’s values. How do your values align with the company? What does that alignment mean to you?

In June 2019, I wrote about helping teens identify their values and how sharing them with a supportive adult (like a teacher) can significantly impact their academic success. You can read that post HERE.

Try This:

  1. Print off this list of Core Values. Circle your top 10. I find that many want to put family first; however, you don’t need to feel obligated to do so. Family can be important, and you live your values through how you interact with your family members. 
  2. Next, narrow the list down to your top five values.
  3. Then to your top two. 
  4. Journal about how these two values show up in your life.
    1. What does it look like and feel like when you are in alignment with your values? 
    2. What does it look like ro feel like when you are out of alignment?
  5. Post your values where you can reflect on them often. This simple act can serve as a daily reminder of what’s truly important to you, helping you make decisions that align with your values. It can also provide clarity and direction, especially during challenging times.

This activity is valuable at the organizational level. When conflict occurs within an organization, unclear communication and a lack of understanding of our values can lead to assumptions, which, in turn, can increase the conflict. The time spent helping people understand and align with their own values, alongside the organization’s, can be an effective tool for addressing conflict when it arises.

Resources: Link to the 6-part podcast series Finding Our Strong Ground
Trauma-Informed Resiliency practices are designed for organizations or schools that want to support their staff in performing at their best for those they serve. If you’re interested in learning more about the workshops I can facilitate with your team, let’s chat. Click Here!

Choosing Trauma-Informed Prevention That Works

A recent regional story about a high-school “mock crash”—a staged DUI collision with blood, sirens, and ambulances—took me back to practices many communities once embraced as prevention. I grew up in the 1980s, and before prom or graduation, there was always a community in the area that staged a “mock crash.” These events are meant to shock teens into safer choices. But today, with what we know about trauma and what the research shows about behavior change, we need to ask: Do mock crashes work—and at what cost?

What the evidence says

Independent reviews of school-based alcohol and impaired-driving programs consistently find that dramatic, one-off events can change feelings for a moment but don’t change behavior over time. A research summary from the Washington Traffic Safety Commission concluded that well-known programs, such as Every 15 Minutes and “Grim Reaper/Mock Crashes,” have not produced significant, long-term outcomes on attitudes or behavior. At best, short-term attitude shifts fade within weeks; crucially, studies rarely show reductions in actual drinking or alcohol-related crashes.

This pattern aligns with broader prevention science: fear- or threat-based campaigns are attention-grabbing, but their effects on actual driving behavior are small or short-lived, and they can be least effective for the very youth who are most likely to take risks. (Traffic Injury Research Foundation)

Why this kind of “prevention” can harm

Being trauma-informed means recognizing that many students and staff carry visible and invisible wounds. As physician Gabor Maté puts it, “Trauma is not what happens to you but what happens inside you as a result of what happens to you.” Graphic simulations risk re-activating those internal wounds—especially for students who’ve lost loved ones in crashes, have family members with DUIs, or who live with chronic stress. 

Best-practice frameworks for trauma-informed schools emphasize avoiding re-traumatization, creating emotional and physical safety, and building regulation and connection. Loud sirens, staged accidents, and EMTs may directly conflict with those principles, potentially compounding distress for vulnerable youth. 

When we know better, we do better

So what should schools and communities do instead? Shift from shock to strengths and connection—approaches that build protective factors, positive norms, and help-seeking.

One model with a strong and growing evidence base is Sources of Strength, which spreads peer-led messages of Hope, Help, and Strength and connects students to trusted adults. A multi-state randomized evaluation showed schoolwide improvements in help-seeking norms, with the most significant gains among students at higher risk. (PMC)

Most compelling, a recent CDC-funded cluster randomized trial found a 29% reduction in new suicide attempts among high-school students in schools implementing Sources of Strength—powerful evidence that positive-norm, connection-based prevention can produce real behavioral outcomes. Both substance (alcohol, cannabis, and drugs) misuse and suicidality are strongly linked to unresolved trauma, emotional dysregulation, and lack of social connection—the very areas addressed by trauma-informed prevention models like Sources of Strength.

We know when youth drink, it’s rarely “just about the alcohol.” It’s often about coping with pain, pressure, or disconnection. Fear-based campaigns and mock crashes don’t heal that pain—but hope, belonging, and connection do.

Research results align with trauma-informed school guidance, emphasizing the importance of building safety and belonging, elevating student voice, and strengthening skills and supports, rather than relying on graphic fear appeals.

A better path forward

If your community is considering a mock crash before prom or homecoming, here are trauma-informed alternatives that honor lived experience and improve outcomes:

  • Peer-led positive norms campaigns (e.g., Sources of Strength “Hope, Help, Strength” messaging) that regularly reinforce help-seeking, safe-ride plans, and looking out for friends.
  • Skill-building sessions (refusal skills, bystander intervention, planning a ride) are integrated into advisory or health classes rather than one-time assemblies. Evidence reviews show life-skills approaches outperform scare tactics.
  • Storytelling with consent and support, centered on resilience and recovery—not graphic details—and accompanied by clear pathways to help during and after the event (school counselors, 988). Trauma-informed toolkits support choice, safety, and connection.

As a certified trainer of Sources of Strength in the state of Minnesota, I help schools and communities replace outdated, potentially harmful practices with trauma-informed, strengths-based prevention that actually moves the needle. If your district wants to talk about ditching mock crashes and building a culture of Hope, Help, and Strength, I’d love to connect.

Are you a school or community in Minnesota interested in implementing Sources of Strength? Click HERE to find out how Kathryn can support your school.

How a County Social Service Agency Strengthened the Skills of Its Staff to Increase Resilience

This is the second case study I will share, illustrating Wildewood Learning’s partnerships with schools and organizations that serve families and children, with a focus on trauma-informed, strength-based interventions. The first case study was with a school district in northwestern Minnesota. You can read about it here. 

The social services agency, located in a small county in northwestern Minnesota, took a proactive approach to staff development. The staff, comprising approximately 20 people, provided and implemented social service programs for the 4,000 residents in the county. Wildewood Learning provided training to the staff over the course of 9 months through three targeted training sessions.

Challenge

The staff members were often disconnected in their work relationships. It was the fall of 2022, and some staff members had not yet returned to the office, while others were on a rotating schedule. There was a strong need to bring everyone together in the agency. Additionally, staff struggled to understand client needs and behaviors. However, through the training, they gained a more compassionate lens in understanding the effects of trauma, leading to a significant shift in their approach.

Solution

In a collaborative effort between Rural Minnesota CEP (Concentrated Employment Program) and the local social services agency, they hired Wildewood Learning (Kathryn Magnusson) to facilitate a Strengths in Action training using the Clifton StrengthsFinder Assessment with CEP and County staff. The training session enabled the staff to come together and create a shared experience, learning about one another’s strengths. 

The positive results led to two additional trainings: one on Trauma-Sensitive Communities, so that all staff, from reception personnel to the director, had a basic understanding of trauma, its effects, and how to create resilience. 

The third training was on the topic of Increasing Optimism. The goal of this training session was to create a positive atmosphere within the workplace, which would, in turn, enhance relationships with colleagues and clients. 

Results

After the three sessions, I sat down with the director to ask how the training had affected the staff.

  • Increased staff positivity and energy: The director noted that the training provided a much-needed “shot of positivity,” helping staff shift their mindset at work. The agency’s commitment to fostering a positive workplace culture was evident in the staff’s increased energy and improved outlook, which were seen as meaningful wins in maintaining a healthier workplace culture.
  • Improved team cohesion: She emphasized the importance of bringing her staff together. By participating in activities as a group, staff had the opportunity to collaborate, connect across departments, and “rub elbows with each other.” The sessions strengthened relationships and reduced feelings of isolation between teams.
  • Shared learning experience: Rather than sending one or two staff to outside trainings, the agency found greater benefit in having all staff learn together. The director observed that when “we’re all in the same room, listening to the same person,” the training messages carried further and were more consistent across the organization.
  • Support for leadership development: The director also highlighted her own growth, noting that bringing training in-house aligned with her annual leadership goals. Hosting ongoing staff development was seen not only as beneficial for the team but also as part of building her capacity as an agency leader.

“These trainings have given my staff the positivity and energy they need to face tough work. When we’re all in the same room, learning together, it builds stronger connections and helps us support each other. Bringing this training in-house has been one of the best ways to invest in my team’s well-being and growth.” 

Amy Ballard, Director, Lake of the Woods Social Services

The work done in collaboration with Wildewood Learning supports the social service director in her goals of creating a positive workplace atmosphere, acknowledging the strengths of the staff, and also creating empathy for clients and colleagues. 

Wildewood Learning offers customized professional development, consulting, and tools to support workplaces in becoming trauma-informed and strength-based places where people thrive. Let’s connect to discuss how we can support your staff, strengthen relationships, and help you achieve your leadership goals for your organization. Connect with Wildewood Learning today!

How One School Implemented Trauma-Informed Strength-Based Strategies throughout the District

Over the next few weeks, I will share several case studies that illustrate Wildewood Learning’s partnerships with schools and organizations serving families and children, focusing on trauma-informed, strength-based interventions. The first case study I want to share is with a school district I partnered with for 5 years.

Lake of the Woods School is a small rural school district located in Baudette, located in northwestern Minnesota. The district is K-12, housed in one school building, with 450 total students. The mission of the Lake of the Woods School is to ensure that all learner achieve their highest potential and become contributing citizens in a rapidly changing world. Their vision is to be a premier school district that inspires and prepares all learners to thrive today and excel tomorrow.

Challenge

The Lake of the Woods School (LOW) 5-year strategic plan outlined in part to provide student supports by fully implementing Multi-Tiered Systems of Support and Trauma-Informed Schools, plus partnerships to increase social and emotional learning needs of all students. In doing so, they aimed to enhance the school’s climate and culture by fostering respectful and positive communication among all staff and students across the district. The elementary grades had implemented a social and emotional learning program with a dedicated SEL Specialist (Kathryn Magnusson) leading bi-monthly lessons with teachers and students K-6, plus providing resources for classroom teachers; however, not all staff were involved K-12 in the SEL programming.

Solution

Over the course of the five-year plan, Wildewood Learning supported the dedicated staff of Lake of the Woods School with several options for needs assessments and professional development. The journey began with all school staff learning about being a trauma-informed school and the importance of social and emotional learning. Training was provided to classroom teachers, as well as bus drivers, support, custodial and kitchen staff. The district surveyed employees about their support needs. Wildewood Learning collaborated with the administration and SEL committee members to chart a path forward with professional development options, including embedded professional development, Professional Learning Communities, and whole-district professional development, to support Lake of the Woods School in achieving its strategic goals.

Results

Over the five-year partnership, Lake of the Woods School saw measurable growth in its ability to support students through trauma-informed and strength-based practices. What began as a strategic plan goal has become an embedded part of the district’s culture and climate.

  • Increased staff capacity: Surveys showed that staff reported a significant increase in confidence using trauma-informed strategies such as de-escalation, co-regulation, and positive communication.
  • Improved school climate: Office referrals and student behavior incidents decreased across grade levels, reflecting the significant impact of consistent SEL instruction and trauma-informed responses. This positive change reassured the school community about the effectiveness of the program. 
  • Expanded SEL integration: SEL instruction expanded from the elementary level to a schoolwide effort. The high school staff reported that they now integrate SEL strategies into their daily practice, creating a shared language and common expectations for students. This expansion to the high school level showcases the program’s scalability and the staff feel optimistic about its potential impact.
  • Sustained systemwide structures: With a dedicated SEL committee, annual training opportunities, and embedded professional learning communities, Lake of the Woods has built a strong foundation for sustaining trauma-informed, strength-based practices well beyond the original five-year plan.

By doing this work in partnership with Wildewood Learning, Lake of the Woods School has brought its daily practices in line with its mission to help every learner reach their full potential and prepare them to succeed in a world that’s changing quickly.Change doesn’t happen overnight—it happens through intentional partnerships and proven strategies. Wildewood Learning offers customized professional development, consulting, and tools to help schools embed trauma-informed, strength-based practices into daily routines. Let’s connect to discuss how we can support your staff, strengthen relationships, and achieve your district’s goals. Connect with Wildewood Learning  and start today!

Opportunities Are All Around Us

It’s just a few days away from September. September has always been a month of transition for me. As a parent and former classroom teacher, when September rolls around, it signifies new beginnings:

  • New school year
  • New season (fall is one of my favorites) and
  • New opportunities.

The last month has been filled with new opportunities for me, some of which I was looking forward to experiencing, and others were totally unexpected. Navigating expected and unexpected opportunities is all about reframing the experience, and often, the most unexpected ones hold the greatest potential for growth. 

Yesterday, I was planning to write this newsletter, but then I needed to take a sick family member to the clinic. My day went in a totally different direction, so much so that I didn’t even open my computer. 

Often, when faced with unexpected events and unable to accomplish my “to-do” list, my thoughts would spin out of control. I would feel anxious, frustrated, and irritated with the situations, which the other person would feel. 

However, what truly helped me stay calm when I didn’t accomplish everything I had planned yesterday was a reminder to be gentle with myself and remember that it’s okay to have days when things don’t go as expected. I stopped, I breathed, and I asked myself, “What is the opportunity here?”

This is the opportunity to:

  • Helps a sick family member
  • Stop and breathe
  • Consider my priorities
  • Lean into what I value
  • Create connection, care, and love

I did this reframe throughout the day, keeping my mind in the present and letting the person I was with know that I cared. This act of being present and caring is not only a personal value but also a professional one that can greatly impact those around us. 

As leaders in your school or organization and role models for families, children, and youth, your role is crucial. You always have an ongoing “to-do” list that can sometimes get in the way of opportunities for connection, caring, and being present. 

Every day brings a new set of expected and unexpected opportunities. I hope you take the time to stop, breathe, and ask yourself, “What is the opportunity here?”

Wishing you the ability to see all the opportunities that lie ahead in the new month!

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Why Behavior Charts Aren’t Working—and What to Try Instead

When I was a teacher, I wasn’t a huge fan of behavior charts. Kids are bright, and some would learn how to work the system to get a sticker, candy, or a reward chip. 

However, when I became a parent to four young children, I was at my wits’ end, trying to curb some of the behaviors that I was experiencing from our children. I reluctantly turned to various behavior modification techniques suggested by my children’s therapists. Some of them worked, for a while; however, none of the tricks were long-term solutions for the behaviors I was struggling with as a parent. I understand the frustration and the feeling of being at a loss that many of you might be experiencing.

“You earned a sticker!” was a phrase we’ve all heard—or used. Sticker charts, color-coded clips, and token systems are common tools in classrooms and childcare settings, designed to shape behavior by rewarding the “good” and discouraging the “bad.”

But if you’ve ever found yourself adding more rules, more rewards, or more consequences just to keep things from spiraling out of control, you’re not alone. The truth is, as I have found and research shows, behavior charts might get short-term compliance—but they rarely lead to long-term change. Why? Because they miss the most essential part: the relationship.

The Problem with Traditional Behavior Charts

On the surface, behavior charts seem harmless. They’re structured, visual, and easy to implement. But dig a little deeper, and their limitations become clear.

  • They focus on control, not connection.
    Most charts are designed to modify outward behavior, not address emotional needs underneath.
  • They rely on external motivation.
    Children “perform” for a sticker or a prize rather than learning to regulate themselves or understand their impact on others.
  • They label kids—often unfairly.
    A child who has a tough start to the day may spend the rest of it feeling like “the bad kid.”
  • They don’t help us understand the why behind behavior.
    Without curiosity, we risk correcting symptoms instead of solving problems.

External Rewards Can Backfire

Behavior charts are classic examples of what author Daniel Pink, in his book Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us, calls “if–then” rewards—if you behave, then you get a sticker. While they may provide short-term results, Pink’s research shows they often come at a cost.

“Rewards can deliver a short-term boost—just as a jolt of caffeine can keep you cranking for a few more hours. But the effect wears off—and, worse, can reduce a person’s longer-term motivation to continue the project.” —Daniel Pink, Drive

Pink outlines seven “deadly flaws” of external rewards like sticker charts. These include extinguishing intrinsic motivation, diminishing performance, crowding out good behavior, and encouraging short-term thinking.

In other words, children may start behaving for the sticker rather than for the joy of learning, relationships, or inner growth. When the chart goes away, so does the behavior. That’s not sustainable. Plus, behavior charts can sometimes make things worse with children who have developmental trauma.

Why Behavior Charts Can Make Things Worse for Children with Trauma

For children with a history of high stress or trauma, behavior isn’t just a choice—it’s often a survival strategy. When a child feels unsafe or overwhelmed (even in a classroom), their nervous system may shift into a protective state: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.

Let’s look at how that plays out:

  • A child in fight mode might hit, yell, or defy.
  • A child in flight mode may run away, hide, or avoid tasks.
  • A freeze response might look like zoning out, going silent, or seeming unmotivated.
  • A child in fawn mode might people-please, go along with anything, or become overly compliant—even at the expense of their own needs.

When we respond to these survival behaviors with behavior charts—“You’re on red for yelling,” “No sticker today because you didn’t follow directions”—we risk compounding the child’s distress. These tools interpret stress responses as misbehavior, and children often internalize the shame:

“I’m bad.”
“I never do anything right.”
“No one sees how hard I’m trying.”

Instead of soothing the nervous system, these public reward-punishment systems can escalate a stress response, particularly for children whose brains are wired for protection, not connection.

A New Lens: Behavior as Communication

What if, instead of seeing behavior as something to control, we saw it as a message?

Children, especially in early childhood, often struggle to find the words to express their needs. So they use the tools they have: crying, running, hitting, hiding, refusing. Every behavior is a signal—sometimes of stress, sometimes of unmet needs, and sometimes of strengths used in unhelpful ways. Understanding this can help us respond to the underlying issue rather than just the behavior itself.

When we shift from “What’s wrong with this child?” to “What is this child trying to tell me?”—everything changes.

What to Try Instead

Here are four relational, strengths-based practices that can replace behavior charts and support deeper, lasting growth.

1. Start with Safety and Connection

Children thrive when they feel safe and seen. Greet them by name. Use warm eye contact. Offer consistent routines. A child who feels emotionally safe is less likely to act out.

2. Co-Regulate First

Before we ask a child to “make a better choice,” we need to help them calm their nervous system. This might look like offering a calming space, using a soft voice, or just sitting quietly beside them. Your calm is contagious. Remember, you also need to regulate yourself before engaging with a dysregulated child. Only an adult with a regulated nervous system can co-regulate with others.

3. Use Strength-Based Language

Instead of saying, “You’re being difficult,” try, “I see you’re determined. Let’s figure this out together.” Reframing behaviors through a strength lens helps children develop a positive identity—even when they’re struggling.

4. Solve Problems With, Not To

Invite children into collaborative problem-solving. “It looks like clean-up time is really hard for you. Let’s talk about what would help.” When kids feel ownership, they’re more likely to engage.

After learning about a trauma-sensitive strength-based approach to a child’s behavior, one of the child care providers in our Strengths-Based Resilience course shared this:


 “I had a child who constantly disrupted circle time—fidgeting, talking, getting up. I tried everything: stickers, red-yellow-green charts, even prizes. Nothing worked. After the course, I realized: maybe circle time wasn’t the problem—maybe sitting still for 20 minutes was too much. We shortened the time, gave him a fidget, and made him the ‘song picker.’ Not only did the behavior improve, but so did our relationship.”

The shift? Less control. More connection. And an understanding of strengths in action.

The Bottom Line

You don’t need a better chart—you need a better lens. One rooted in curiosity, compassion, and connection. When we lead with relationship, children feel safe to grow—not just behave.

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Five Therapeutic Tools for Non-Therapists

I have been in many therapists ‘, social workers’, or mental health professionals’ offices over the years. I mostly attended appointments with family members, as well as a few for myself. It hasn’t always been easy to get an appointment or set up a screening when needed, and that is only going to get more difficult in the United States.

Living in rural America presents a unique challenge, with a staggering 160 million people in rural areas grappling with a severe shortage of mental health professionals. The need for over 8,000 additional providers nationally is a pressing issue that demands immediate attention. (commonwealthfund.org) 

I live in rural America, a small community on the Canadian border. We are fortunate to have a community hospital, as the next closest hospital would be 60 miles away. We are lucky to have a behavioral health department in the hospital, staffed with several therapists and social workers. I hope that our luck doesn’t run out.

When working with individuals who serve children and youth, I share that you don’t have to be a therapist to be therapeutic with the people you serve. However, you do need to have a few skills and knowledge in your toolbox to draw upon so that you can help children and youth. 

Two weeks ago, I had the opportunity to attend a conference where Dr. Bruce Perry discussed this very topic. I have been a fan of Dr. Perry’s ever since I read his book, “The Boy Who was Raised as a Dog,” and his more recent book with Oprah Winfrey, “What Happened to You?” He has worked with children who have experienced trauma for many years. 

Here are five key takeaways I gleaned from his presentation.

  1. Be Relationally Present

Put down the phone and meet the needs of the children who are in your presence with intention. Provide them with the attentive and kind interactions needed in the moment. It is in the small positive interactions that create a safe and connected environment for healing to occur.

  1. Provide Psychoeducation

If you interact with children, families, or colleagues, it is essential to understand the normal stress response. You need to recognize the response to stress in yourself and others. Often, in children, the stress response manifests as aggression, hyperactivity, or shutdown. Children in a stressful situation are not selecting their behaviors; they are reacting to fear, leading to behaviors labeled as challenging. Punishment and compliance don’t work; understanding and helping to mitigate the stressors work. 

  1. Teaching Sensory Support

You can teach simple, easy routines to children and families to help reduce stressors. Activities that engage the physical are the best, such as knitting, running, sculpting, and playing musical instruments. This is why the arts and outdoor recess are so important, not just in elementary age, but at all ages. These are opportunities to provide physical and emotional regulation. 

  1. Agency and Support

Encouraging understanding that you have agency in taking care of your basic needs (sleep, exercise, nutrition, connection) so that you can be your best self to support others. When serving at full capacity as an educator, social worker, or childcare provider, it is essential to understand the impact you have on the youth and children in your care. When you take care of your own needs, you can then create environments that feel safe for children and families to attend to their own needs.

  1. Community Engagement

Positive Childhood Experiences (PCEs) can significantly lessen the effects of Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs). The seven actions that support PCEs are all relationally based, emphasizing the profound impact of individual relationships on a child’s world. Whether you’re a coach, a teacher, a neighbor, a friend’s parent, or a youth leader, your role in creating space for children and youth to have positive and safe relationships is invaluable. Every adult who fosters such relationships is making a therapeutic difference in a child’s life.

If you are implementing any of these five strategies in your home, workplace, or community, you are playing a crucial role in supporting the mental health of children and youth. Dr. Perry’s talk reveals that healing from trauma is not primarily about clinical interventions, but about rebuilding human connections. Our modern world has systematically dismantled the relational networks that historically supported human development, creating environments of stress and disconnection. The brain, an incredibly complex organ, thrives on predictable, moderate challenges and consistent, attuned interactions. 
This is not intended to discourage seeking professional therapy when needed, but rather to emphasize the vital role of community interactions in fostering healing. Actual therapeutic work occurs not in isolated therapy sessions, but in communities where individuals—parents, neighbors, coaches, and educators—understand how to be present, responsive, and supportive. By recognizing that resilience is built through small, repeated moments of safety and connection, we can transform our approach to mental health from an individual medical model to a collective, compassionate community strategy.