I was a brand-new teacher, barely licensed, and still getting to know my students. One boy, I’ll call him John, stood out right away. He was defensive, quick to bristle, often negative, but never absent. Not a single day.
As I got to know the staff, I learned some of his story. His parents had recently divorced. His mom had moved out. He was living with his dad now, navigating a home that looked completely different from what it had been a few months earlier.
I saw a kid who seemed to be carrying something heavy, and I wanted to help. So I did what felt responsible: I referred John to our school social worker.
What I didn’t do was talk to his father first.
When John’s dad found out, he was furious. This wasn’t what he wanted for his son, and he told me directly. I remember feeling blindsided. I had good intentions. I thought I was helping.
But I’d skipped the most important step. I’d made a decision about a child without including the person who knew that child best.
That day taught me something I’ve carried into every conversation with families since: you cannot build a positive relationship with a family by making decisions about them without them. It’s a lesson that plays out constantly in schools and organizations that serve children and families, with well-meaning professionals skipping the family instead of including them. Here’s what that actually looks like in practice, in any organization that serves families.
Lead with curiosity, not judgment. When someone doesn’t respond, doesn’t show up, or reacts defensively, the fastest move is to draw a conclusion. They don’t care. They’re not engaged. Curiosity asks a different question first: what don’t I know yet? This doesn’t mean ignoring a real problem. It means gathering information before deciding what the problem even is.
Recognize what families are carrying, and that it isn’t always visible. Job instability, multiple caregivers, housing changes, and cultural differences in how respect and involvement get expressed all shape how a family shows up. What reads as distant or resistant is often something else entirely: capacity, unfamiliarity, or a cultural norm around deference that has nothing to do with how much they care.
Include families as partners in decisions, not recipients of them. There’s a real difference between updating someone and involving them. The people and organizations who serve families best are the ones who bring families into the decisions that affect them, not just the ones who inform families after the decision is made.
Set realistic expectations instead of idealized ones. Expecting every family to engage the same way, on the same schedule, through the same channel, sets everyone up to feel let down: the professional feels ignored, and the family feels judged. Meeting families in the ways that are actually accessible to them is what partnership looks like in practice.
Remember that trust builds in small moments, not big gestures. One great conversation or one strong outreach won’t repair a strained relationship on its own. Trust rebuilds slowly, through consistent curiosity and follow-through.
I think about John’s father often, and I’m grateful for the lesson, even though it stung to learn it that way. Building relationships with families was never about the right program or the right form letter home. It’s a mindset: curiosity instead of judgment, and partnership instead of unilateral action.
If this resonates with your school or organization, I help staff make this kind of shift. I’d love to come talk with your team about building relationships with families through a keynote, a workshop, or a hands-on session built for your staff. Reach out and let’s talk about what that could look like for your organization.
