Balls whiz through the gym as 6th-grade students scoop them up and fire them at the other team. A ball hits Jay in the chest, as shouts echo off the gym walls. 

Dylan, who threw it, yells, “You are out!” 

“No, I am not,” shouts Jay. 

“Yes, you are,” says Dylan. 

Tension rises, and Jay throws forward his hand, landing squarely on Dylan’s shoulder. The chaos in the gym stops, and Dylan falls to the floor, caught off guard by Jay’s shove.

The teacher blows the whistle and walks Jay down the hall to the principal’s office.

Jay’s behavior was inappropriate, and at this point, what do we want him to learn from it? Do we want Jay to examine what happened, learn skills to handle big feelings, and repair the relationship with Dylan? Or do we want him suspended for 10 days? In which scenario is the system harming the student?

I work with families and children served by agencies and institutions within a system. The justice system, education system, and social services system are all large and in the business of helping people, and the paradox is that in trying to help, we can harm.

That harm often comes through zero-tolerance policies, understaffing in high-needs areas, lack of training for paraprofessionals, and pressure on administration to “teach that child a lesson” through punishment.

In the first chapter of Building a Trauma-Informed Restorative School, Joe Brummer challenges readers to view behavior through a new lens. On page 25, he writes, “Once we change the lens, we begin to change from seeing children and youth in trouble to seeing them in struggle.” I would say that goes for adults too, especially in workplaces under constant stress. 

For people who have the skills to regulate their emotions and respond in a culturally appropriate way, the threat of punishment is usually enough to stop inappropriate behavior. However, threats don’t teach skills. When someone lacks the skills to regulate their emotions, communicate what they’re experiencing, or make the right decision, punishment adds pain without adding skill.

According to Brummer, punishment is just another form of violence. A 10-day suspension removes a struggling child from the adults and routines that could help. It doesn’t stop the hurt or heal their heart.

Before we can build something stronger, we have to be honest about what has been broken. Too often, our systems focus on behavior without asking what lies beneath.

In systems, acknowledging that punishment has caused harm is not weakness. It is the beginning of trust.

Once we are honest about the harm, we can build something that works: responses that teach, repair, and keep children connected to the adults who can help. 

Let’s go back to Jay in the gym. What was underneath his behavior?

  • A strong sense of fairness. Jay was sure he wasn’t out, and the rules mattered to him.
  • Jay was in sensory overload. The noise, the echoing shouts, and the chaos of the game were overwhelming.
  • He had big feelings and no skills to handle them. His anger rose faster than he knew how to handle it.
  • A history of trauma that shaped how Jay experiences conflict and threat.

How could this situation have been handled differently?

  • Communication: A clear process for sharing Jay’s sensory needs with his teachers, so they can spot escalation early.
  • Training: Trauma-informed and restorative practice training for all staff, including paraprofessionals.
  • Policy: Replace zero tolerance with a consistent, restorative response process.
  • Repair: A conversation between Jay, Dylan, and a trained adult, where Jay makes amends and returns to gym class with coaching.

When individuals feel seen and heard for what they have actually experienced, rather than being judged for how they are behaving, trust grows, and they are willing to try again.

Behavior is a form of communication. When we see it that way, connection and healing become possible. We move forward together with hope when we are willing to look clearly at where we have been and choose to do better.

Where in your organization do you judge behavior instead of understanding it? How can you bring in more understanding to the system?

Jay and Dylan are composite characters. Their story reflects situations I see often in my work.