Last week, I presented a breakout session at a large conference. One of the questions I asked the audience was, “What are the challenging behaviors you see in children?” I have asked adults working with children and youth from toddlers to high school. Here are some of the common answers:

• Aggressive behaviors (hitting, biting, name-calling)
• Lack of focus and motivation
• Anxiety and depression
• Self-harming

All these behaviors and many others leave adults feeling frustrated, upset, angry, and confused about the child. The struggling child often disrupts the environment and creates an uncomfortable situation for other children.

What can an adult do when confronted with challenging behaviors? The solution starts with our nervous systems. We need to rewire our brains to approach the situation calmly and connect with the child or youth. The brain can change; it’s not static, even when we are adults. 

I find the brain fascinating in our human body; maybe that’s the former middle school science teacher within me. When I discovered I could train my brain, I recognized that I was helping the children I interacted with to rewire their brains. Small positive changes started in their behavior. However, I needed support and practice to make this shift. 

As a parent, educator, and caregiver, I understand the challenges and struggles of working with children. I’ve been there, feeling stressed, hopeless, and alone in my struggles with my children’s behaviors. I was an adoptive parent with four adopted children under 7. As a classroom teacher, I have worked with children and teens for over 15 years. How hard could it be to parent children? You can read that story here! Let me say it was way more difficult than I thought to parent children who have experienced trauma at a young age.

I slowly found the information, support, and practices that helped me to make small shifts in how I interacted with my children and others. These shifts took practice; however, slowly, I saw the results in both myself and my children.

By intentionally focusing on the good within my children, I noticed a remarkable shift. Over time, I realized the secret to addressing challenging behaviors. When my behavior changed, their behavior changed! This shift in perspective led to positive changes in their behavior and our relationship, showing that positive change is not only possible but achievable.

As parents, educators, and caregivers of children, we tend to want to improve their behavior by focusing on what they can’t do instead of what comes naturally to them. 

It’s natural to focus on the negatives, especially when we’re stressed. However, we can retrain our brains to see the positives and understand that behavior is a form of communication. When we do that, we can spot the strengths in children. It’s a powerful shift in perspective that can make a world of difference. 

Over the past four years, I have worked with my colleague Monica Cochran, founder of Learning without Borders, to develop a course for educators, daycare providers, afterschool program directors, and parents on seeking the good in children. This course helps you understand challenging behaviors and switch your perspectives to strengths-based approaches.

Find out more about the Strength-Based Resilience course HERE. The new cohort starts September 25, 2024.